I’m sure most of us have been here, hurt, upset, wound like a top just wanting – something!! You really don’t even know what. You can’t think straight – you can’t form a logical sentence, but you know exactly what you’d say (sarcasm) if you called him right now – so you do.

Has this ever made anything better? 

Has anything ever been resolved, in a situation like this? 

You might feel a split-second of something resembling relief but probably not. When your brain realizes what you’ve done, you’ll spend the next few seconds, minutes, hours – in angst waiting for a reply. If you get one, you’re stomach will be in a knot waiting to open it. Or you’ll spend the rest of the day, upcoming weeks, maybe months kicking yourself for things you said and making a bigger mess.

Is the split-second of “relief” worth all of this?? 

I assure you it’s not.

CALM DOWN

Instead of texting or dialing when you’re sooo hurt or upset that you can’t see straight – grab a pen and notebook or journal, or open your laptop to a new note a blank document.

For this conversation, I’m going to say type. Type out everything – for real – everything.

Be honest, raw and vulnerable. Write or type everything you’re feeling, everything you want to say to him, everything you want to ask him, accuse him of, scream at him. Everything. Everything. Everything. Cry. Cuss. Cry some more. Get it out of you until it’s out, whatever you need to expel it – except texting or calling.

I might be being a little dramatic, here as I type, but I’m trying to make a point. 

Most of us, if we’re being honest, have been here – or somewhere in the vacinity – at one time or another. Or maybe a few times.

I’m telling you – the last thing you want to do is text or call when your spiraling.

Dump it all on the paper or in the document. Let all of it out – release it and breathe. 

Even with the iPhone’s new text unsend and edit features. DON’T DO IT.

Go to your journal, notebook, laptop – anything else and write yourself down, write yourself through the spiral. Write as much as your hand can handle. Type as much as your fingers can type. This is probably one of the best ways to vent, which is actually a very healthy manner of processing.

Get it out. Then stop.

When you’re feeling like this it create a very heavy and erratic energy that can can be felt by anyone, and anything, in your presence. Animals are very sensitive to energies, so keep that in mind.

I’m not at saying to internalize what you’re feeling, that’s not healthy at all but getting it out via journal, laptop, etc. is a healthy and safe way of getting it out, or venting. 

After you’ve done this, take some time before you say anything  – before you say ANYTHING. Go outside, get some fresh air, take a walk and redirect.

COMMUNICATING VS DUMPING

If you search “definition of communication” on Chrome,  the following definition from Oxford Languages is the first listed:

• the imparting or exchanging of information or news.
• means of sending or receiving information, such as phone lines or computers.

Ok – wait a min…

The above definition doesn’t mention anything about “feelings”, so let’s look a little deeper –

If you search “definition of communication in relation to feelings” on Chrome,  the following explanation from Oxford Review is the first listed:

• Affective communications refers to the expression of feelings about things, others and themselves. In effect, expressions of positive, negative or even neutral feelings about something or someone is also an expression of that individual or group’s values and beliefs. 

Ok, that’s a little closer – let me try one more time –

Here’s something a little more on point, from The University of Minnesota:

• Research shows that people communicate with others after almost any emotional event, positive or negative, and that emotion sharing offers intrapersonal and interpersonal benefits, as individuals feel inner satisfaction and relief after sharing, and social bonds are strengthened through the interaction (Rime, 2007).

Even though it’s difficult to find a definitions as to what communication actually is, it’s very important that we all work on doing it a little more and a little better. But here’s something, it’s no wonder that as a society we have such difficulty with something we can’t settle on a definition for .

All of that aside “communication” is so important because when we don’t, if we try to hold everything inside, it can trigger our brain to go into fight-or-flight mode, which can cause physical reactions within our body including increased heart rate, digestive disturbances, even anxiety and depression.

For the remainder of this discussion, let’s agree that – for the purpose of this lesson – that communication is sharing feelings, or how we feel about something with someone else.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s look at “dumping” –

Dumping is basically emotional vomit, it can be very toxic, very draining and overwhelming, often time and very destructive. While your dumping you’ll often get hung up, repeating the same things over and over. We have a saying in my family about this – on the cow’s nose, meaning, you can’t let it go, you keep harping and harping on something when it’s not doing anyone any good at all. Like a dog, on a cow’s nose.

Dumping is very different than simply sharing how you feel with someone.

Sharing feelings, or communicating, typically happens after you’ve had an opportunity to process said feelings. After you’ve calmed down and your rational mind has tagged back in. I’m promise you, I’m not at all belittling any of these feelings or experiences, I’ve been there. I’ve texted the emotional vomit… and I can tell you, rarely does it ever make anything better – but communicating in a healthy manner, can.

Think of dumping like a dog that won’t stop barking. He’s not barking “at” anything, there are no intruders, no other animals invading his space, but he’s frantically barking, incessantly, foaming at the mouth, he will not stop. 

Visualize this dog when you feel an emotional vomit coming on.

Visualize yourself watching this dog, that’s how the person receiving your dump will be feeling. You’ll be the dog, they’ll be you. They’ll be feeling attacked, confused, defensive.

When you feel this, get your journal or your laptop – or whatever method you chose, and write or type, like I explained above. This is a much safer way to express whatever it is you’re feeling.

Dumping is very heavy and often times we mis-direct the dump, meaning, we unload on someone else simply to get it off our chest, which is actually a very selfish act, putting it on someone else just so we don’t have to carry it??

When it comes to feelings and emotions, it’s very important to process them appropriately and in a healthy, non-selfish and non-destructive manner.

Women tend to feel our feelings much deeper than men – not all women, but a lot of us. We also tend to keep them much closer to the surface than men do – again, not all of us but a lot of us.  

If you’re feeling hurt, upset, triggered, emotionally overwhelmed, etc. – vent, dump, expel in your journal, then stop, breathe and redirect yourself – 

SEND THE LOVE
You may be thinking, what?? Seriously – do you love him (or whoever it is)?? Send him all of the love you can muster. Mean it. Feel it. Ask God, angels and The Universe to guide you through processing, understanding, communicating and continuing to love and forgive.. 

PS: BOUNDARIES
it’s very important to be respectful of boundaries on both sides, especially when we’re hurt or confused. It’s important that we are considerate of other people and that we not mis-direct our emotional vomit. Negativity is very heavy and we don’t need to be dumping it on other people who are simply trying to be there for us in a time of need.

**As with anything in life, there are abstracts. Violence and abuse are never ok – and never justifiable or in anyway excusable. If you are in a situation of violence or abuse we can provide you with resources to find help.